Last year wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t the best for me either. I learned a lot about myself, about the people I know and interact with on the daily, and learned a lot about how the universe works. Maybe. And so I bid adieu to 2018 as we put her to rest, and try to welcome the new year with a more positive outlook.
I refuse to make New Years resolutions now that I’m older and know full well I won’t be able to make good on promises. Instead, I reflect on what last year was for me and try to make a mental list of what I want to actually get done this year. No big declarations, no promises, no extra-dramatic statements like “I’m going to lose weight this year” or the usual “I’m going to make this year the best year ever” because do we actually get this done? I’m making goals, instead. Attainable goals. Make things happen and be happy while I do it.
How was last year for me, might you ask. I’ll say, it was like everyone else’s. I was struggling. Struggling so hard I was at my wit’s end. I was desperately clinging to the last thread of sanity I had towards the end of the year, with prayers getting less and less. What am I even here for? What was my purpose for still being around? I’ve had those disturbing 3 am nights where I would stare at the void in my room and wonder if an overdose or a noose would be the best way to go. Sometimes I’m scared to confront the goings-on in my head because…how exactly does one get out of that blackhole? And then I wake up for work and go about my usual routine, come back home to get rest but get those ugly voices in my head again. On other days, I’m happy. Like, genuinely feeling joy and contentment that it seems stupid to have been in a funk the week before. Some days, I get that flashing red sign that says the happiness won’t last and something sad or bad (or sad and bad) will happen in exchange for the happy feeling. I was tired of thinking that the elation had an expiration date. Why couldn’t I be happy like my best friend, my colleague, or most of my family?
So I think about what I want this year and how to get things done. Self love is key, methinks. I didn’t have much, if any, self love in the past year. I was neck-deep in that blackhole that I now realize I never did anything worthwhile for myself.
- Haven’t been out of the country this year.
- Gained a lot of weight.
- Haven’t explored new places outside my new city.
- Haven’t taken up a new hobby.
- Haven’t had the motivation to do anything at all.
- Been hiding from people because I don’t really want to hear about how life has been great for them, nor do I want to explain why I’ve been avoiding social situations and such.
- Have had more anxiety attacks this year than last.
- Have had suicidal thoughts more than thrice
And the list goes on and on. I don’t think one can truly understand these bouts of depression and hopelessness we go through, unless they’re in the same state of mind as we do. One can only wish a better mental state for us, or that this funk will pass at some point, but sometimes words are just words. Words are wind. Words are comforting yet temporary.
And yet I’m still here. I’m doing my best into steering my life into a happier, more desirable path. I have goals I want to attain this year, and hopefully even after the year’s done. I genuinely feel more positive this time around. Everything feels lighter, somehow, and I’m taking advantage of that and turn my sorry, sad, mess of a life into something more meaningful.
From hereon, I free you from these heavy thoughts and show a bit of my uneventful 2018 in pictures. I’m hoping to document more this year, so I can look back at them on the 31st of December and say that I’ve had an eventful 2019.
My new city has one of the most beautiful sunsets out there. If anything, it was very humbling just staring at views such as these. We’re all just a tiny part of this massive creation, and thinking about it helps pull me out of the blackhole I was in.
Just little reminders that life is good. And that life can be better.
Fur babies make me happy.
At my happiest when I experiment in the kitchen, or when we try new food discoveries. Cooking is some sort of therapy for me. I like hanging out in the kitchen and making something up for my family.
Missing my old city especially around the holiday season.
More sunsets in 2019, yes?
If you’re struggling like I am, know that there’s a way to get past it. It took me a very long time to admit this, and I’m very sure there will be A LOT of days this year wherein I would abhor the thought of getting out of bed in the mornings, or even just to keep a straight face when thinking about making an effort to go to work diligently. But if I wasn’t meant to still be here, then I would have been gone a long time ago. But here I am, and so are you.