It’s a long weekend and I’m trying to enjoy the time where I can stay home and just do whatever that doesn’t involve work. It’s National Heroes Day on Monday, the 27th of August. But it’s also pretty sweet because it’s my birthday, though nothing extra special is planned on that day. I realized that the older you get, the less celebrating you would want to do.
I had a bit of time to think about this year and what I’ve been doing with my life. It’s so depressing to know that the only thing I’ve truly accomplished this year has been about our move to the new house and the changes we’ve been working on here. Personally, it has been a shit year so far, but I don’t really want to dwell on it and I still want to make it better. It has been difficult…very difficult…and even if I’ve received support from my best friend and a few others, people don’t really understand what you’re going through even if you tell them what’s happening. How can people help when you’re struggling on the inside? It’s not like you need help carrying this or that…not like you need help finishing a task or anything like that. It’s the emotional crisis that’s eating you up and how hard you’re struggling with keeping your sanity despite the circumstances. What does one do to make things better? I don’t really know. Right now it’s a f***ing struggle, but each day that I finish is an accomplishment for me. That’s all I’m focusing on right now amidst all the internal chaos.
How will I be spending my birthday this year? I’m not really up to a big celebration, nor am I thinking about going out. Maybe cook a birthday dinner for myself and the family, and splurge a little on wine and maybe some ice cream. It’s going to be a sad birthday, I can already tell. I’m trying not to cry just thinking about it even as I type this. You know the feeling of hearing two voices in your head telling you “It’s going to be a f***ing sad birthday, brace yourself” and the other going, “You’re alive, you’ve been blessed, don’t be a f***ing ingrate.” I don’t even know. My emotions are in a pretty bad place right now, but I know, things will eventually turn around for the better.
I’m also physically exhausted. Sometimes I sleep the whole day, sometimes I sleep just a few hours, but it will always be the same thing: I’M TIRED. Even my vitamins make me tired. I wake up at 4 am, work from 8 to 5, get home around 8 pm and feel utterly useless and exhausted. I need time to work out. I need time to watch TV before bed. I need time to read. Time for dinner. Time to do chores so I don’t have to do a lot on weekends. I need time to have time. Can you feel my struggle??
When I’m not in this depressed and anxious state, I’m good. Cooking and baking makes me happy. The kitchen is my happy place. Having weekend family meals make me feel some kind of satisfaction that I’ve taken care of people I care about most. I try to keep myself distracted during the day. At night, I try meditating. Sometimes tuning everything out and keeping your mind blank feels so good. It might seem trivial, but deep breathing helps the anxiety.
See? Nothing so special for the past eight months in 2018. Some say it would all depend on yourself if you want to accomplish anything. It’s not that I haven’t been trying. It has been extremely difficult, especially if not everyone can understand what it’s like to feel this way.
MOVING ALONG…and on a positive note…I’ve seen a couple of shows/films that made me happy. Some old, some new, but here’s a list of things I’ve been happy about to date:
The Kissing Booth and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
Okay. I have the book (The Kissing Booth) and I’ve read it years ago. I’ve seen To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before in bookstores but didn’t really pick it up. I should have, though, now that I think about it. It was so fun and different (in a nice way) to be able to ‘relate’ to the lead actress just because she’s of the same ethnicity as you. And the leading men are cute, so sue me.
RuPaul’s Drag Race
I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF for not watching this sooner. I saw season 9 first and I was so amused. I have gay friends and I know they’re so fun to be around with. I was extremely entertained by their little catfights, those talking-behind-the-back issues that cannot be avoided under such circumstances. Plus, they’re ten times more creative than I am and it was so fun to see their creative output on stage.
It’s not a new show but I’ve been watching from the very first episode up until the more recent ones prior to the end of the show. Chip and Joanna are so inspiring in many ways, and not just because they are ‘couple goals’ but because they’ve led inspiring lives and they share that to the world.
Not a happy thought at all, but re-watching his shows before they were pulled out of Netflix and iFlix led me to believe that he will always be one of the best people to have graced this earth. I cried about hearing his death more than I cried about my problems. He was one of the good and inspiring ones out there, and to have lost him was like coming to a realization that the world is in a dreadful state.
The Blind Side
Don’t laugh. I know it’s been years since this came out but I’ve only seen it last weekend. The whole family enjoyed it, especially since it was inspired by a true story. There were moments when I just wanted to cry, but there were a lot of funny bits too. Sandra Bullock will always be one of my Hollywood favorites.
Crazy Rich Asians
I don’t need to stress it enough. Now I know what representation means in Hollywood films. It was so refreshing to be watching leads of the same ethnicity as yourself. The viewing experience was something else, and if that doesn’t make people happy then I don’t know what would. The movie was so good, the soundtrack was as well.
I’m sorry if this post was a mess to read (if anyone read it at all), but that’s just how my head is right now. For the record, I’ve said that I have a feeling this birthday will be the saddest one yet, but I’m also hoping it won’t be. It’s still nice to think about having an actual ‘happy’ birthday. We’ll see. Two more days before I turn another year older.
What have you been up to lately? 🙂