Hello, 22nd of April.
I feel like I’ve been struggling with a lot of things all at once, but that’s because I really do have a lot of things to do. I also have a lot of things planned, so things can get so overwhelming at times. Most of the time.
It’s already mid-April but I feel like time has gone by quickly without me noticing it. It happens when I’m too busy with my daily struggles that I lose track of the other good things in life. My life lately has been consumed by work and work and work, sometimes I wake up in the morning wondering what day it was. I get disoriented like that, but don’t we all?
It’s summer, by the way. Which means that this tropical country is set to be an inferno above ground. The weather are in the extremes (hello, global warming) and if it’s hot, it can get disgustingly so. If it’s cold, well, it’s still hot. Welcome to the tropics!
Since we moved to this new place, everything has been calm and things are still an organized state of chaos. Which is a very refreshing change from my life back in the old place. I love that house so much, but maybe the vibe in that place was shouting for change and positivity. I no longer cry just thinking about how much I missed my old, spacious room, but we can’t have everything we want. Besides, this new house screams hope and only good things from hereon.
I keep getting distracted by the heat. It’s a disgusting 34 degrees celsius (sorry, American friends) and I don’t remember how many times I’ve taken a shower since last night. A good three or four, maybe? I’ve changed shirts so many times as well, I’ve had to do my laundry twice this weekend. Here’s the thing: we have AC for each room except my bedroom. Because the AC slot in my room is smaller than my unit, so my mom had to take my unit and I have to buy a new one that would fit the slot in my room. I guess I’m oversharing on the internet again but I need someone to cry with me while I sleep without airconditioning in my room, at 34 to 35 degree weather.
Totally unrelated to the summer heat (or maybe related idk), but my brain’s very slow lately. I miss the times I can memorize paragraphs and paragraphs of book quotes and general info, but we can’t go back to our sixteen year old selves and be as fresh and perky. The older I get, the more anxious I become. The older I get, the more insecure I get. The more self-confidence I lose. The more memories I forget. At some point, I was wondering if I should blame it on some issue like dementia (I seriously considered this, okay). I don’t know why I thought of this, but I’m finding myself losing a chunk of memories from before that I have to struggle with to recall. Or maybe it’s some other issue that I’ll have to deal with sooner than later. We’ll see.
I’ve also began thinking a lot about my future, my mom and my denial about her getting old and eventually passing on, my own passing and going at it alone, regrets, more regrets, and a ton of what ifs. Getting older each year has become a struggle. I think a lot about a lot of things, I struggle with dealing with things I didn’t used to find so difficult. My mind is a battlefield, and I’m trying very hard not to lose it. Is this normal? Or am I overthinking again?
On a different note, I love reading personal blogs like mine. I find it more raw and relatable, especially when I read about someone’s daily triumphs and struggles. It lets me know that I’m not alone with my insecurities, my problems, my silly ideas. Send me personal blog recommendations, pretty please. 🙂